Week 0 - 283.5

It's funny what a picture of yourself can do to you.


I recently performed Improv on stage and had the time of my life, then later the next day one of my teammates posted pictures of the performance.  I was honestly very disappointed in myself.  The high I was riding on from the show was completely destroyed...by a single picture.  A picture of me doing something I love, something that gives others joy.  The cast and audience could care less what I looked like but I cared, way too much. 


You would think I have a mirror phobia or photophobia, but I don't.  I just don't like to look at myself.  Never have.  When I am walking and see my reflection in a window my instinct is to turn my head the other way.  If there is a reflective door I will look at the floor till I a through the door.  I'm not a vain person but I do care...it's weird. I feel like I am missing stuff in life too because of this.  I get worried when someone is taking a picture of me and my wife or family of how I will look in it.  I want to enjoy the picture and capture the memory but I feel like my presence will ruin it, not for anyone else just me.  I get jealous of people who have family and friend pictures hung on the wall, I wish I didn't care so much.


This is the start of something good...maybe.  This blog isn't for anybody but myself.  I have always been a big person.  I was a big baby, a big kid, and a big teen.  It is just something I have always been.  I am happy and do all the things I want/need to do in my life.  I play sports, run around, chase my kids, and have never felt hindered by my weight.  That's what makes this so hard, if I was winded playing with my kids or couldn't get up from sitting down without a struggle it would make this WAY easier.  But alas, that isn't the case and so here I am ready, ONCE AGAIN to start my journey.  A journey really about me trying to "look" better, and I kinda hate it.  I know there are health benefits as well and I want to see my kids grow up and get old. 


What is going to change this time...I don't know.  To be honest it feels like every other time I started. Big hopes and dreams.  Wishing it would happen overnight or in a week, it won't, but I hope.


I figured I should write down my thoughts and feelings this time.  It's something I have never done before.  I will try to keep this updated every week on Mondays.  I could look back at this and think.  Did this a-hole really think he could do it this time?  Or maybe something more positive like "this a-hole really is doing it".  In the end, I'm still an a-hole.


Here we go. 


-Ry

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